No return

Jolinda Daishin van Hoogdalem

In september kwam een einde aan het leven van mijn allerliefste vriend(in) Shane. Rouw is rauw. In deze gedichten breng ik daar verschillende kanten van onder woorden. Shane kwam uit Nieuw-Zeeland en we spraken altijd Engels samen. De woorden over diens heengaan kwamen daarom in het Engels in mij op.

Grief

The stab in the heart

The waves of pain

Stuck in the body

The unspeakable words

The silent wailings

The inertia in the morning

As it hits with the first light:

You’re not there anymore.

Reconsider

Have you hesitated?

Or were you determined?

Have you hesitated

when you heard Shyla breath and Nikau shuffle his paws?

Have you hesitated

when you heard the wind outside?

Or did you not hear it at all?

Did you go to the toilet before

so nothing could divert you

from what you had to do?

Have you hesitated?

Or were you sure

with hands unshaken

when you touched your skin

your very soft skin.

I would not have hesitated to take your hands

into mine

and to kiss them

and to beg you:

Hesitate,

feel the wind

look at the beautiful

animals who know nothing

reconsider

Today

Today

I don’t care

what’s going on

in the world

because you chose to leave

this body, this life.

But I wonder

what does it feel like

when your whole family

in a single moment

is ripped apart

and there is nowhere

to bury them

and there is nowhere

to mourn

because

you have to move on

to find shelter

in another place.

Today

Today